I never wanted to be the weak one.
And yet here I am.
Everything has come to a head today. I am fatigued. So, so tired. I'm barely sleeping because I'm itching and anxious. The itching and anxiety are directly connected it seems; when I have anxiety, my skin feels like it's burning from the inside out. And unfortunately, that's pretty much been all the time.
People say all the time, "you're so brave. you're so strong. you're so positive."
Honestly, I don't feel that way.
I have yelled at my mom this week more times than I'd care to count. I've cried and cried and cried and cried. I've yelled at God, I've been so angry. I've punched my mattress a few times because I literally do not know how to handle this.
I'm not as positive and great at this as everyone thinks I am. I'm really not.
I'm kind of having a breakdown today. It's been two months of a living hell and I want it to stop.
But it won't stop.
I feel abandoned by God, like He isn't listening. I feel lonely. I feel anxious. I feel fearful and panicked and oh, so tangled up inside.
I feel weak.
So this is me admitting it to the world, to myself, and to God. And this is me asking for help, from God, and whoever is out there who can give me little glimmers of hope to hold onto. Because I know my story's not over yet... but it sure as heck feels like it is.
And I need something--no, I need Someone--to help me carry on.
And yet here I am.
Everything has come to a head today. I am fatigued. So, so tired. I'm barely sleeping because I'm itching and anxious. The itching and anxiety are directly connected it seems; when I have anxiety, my skin feels like it's burning from the inside out. And unfortunately, that's pretty much been all the time.
People say all the time, "you're so brave. you're so strong. you're so positive."
Honestly, I don't feel that way.
I have yelled at my mom this week more times than I'd care to count. I've cried and cried and cried and cried. I've yelled at God, I've been so angry. I've punched my mattress a few times because I literally do not know how to handle this.
I'm not as positive and great at this as everyone thinks I am. I'm really not.
I'm kind of having a breakdown today. It's been two months of a living hell and I want it to stop.
But it won't stop.
I feel abandoned by God, like He isn't listening. I feel lonely. I feel anxious. I feel fearful and panicked and oh, so tangled up inside.
I feel weak.
So this is me admitting it to the world, to myself, and to God. And this is me asking for help, from God, and whoever is out there who can give me little glimmers of hope to hold onto. Because I know my story's not over yet... but it sure as heck feels like it is.
And I need something--no, I need Someone--to help me carry on.
sweet Kylie. Thank you for your honesty. I know exactly how you're feeing. I was telling my friend earlier that I'm fighting bitterness about all this health stuff. All those 'it will get better, hang in there, etc etc." sayings honestly don't help even though their said from the heart. I know EVENTUALLY I will get better, I can dream about it but that doesn't help the pain I'm in RIGHT NOW. The only thing that has kept me going is God. He's revealed more and more to me just in the past few weeks. His plans are so amazing and His love overwhelming. It covers everything. And because I believe He loves me and has the best for me I will fight the bitterness and anger. I will not turn away from Him because that would just be worse for me. When we are at our weakest, He is the strongest. Again, I don't know WHY He's having us go through this pain and suffering. But I DO know that He is mighty and awesome. and that He loves us immensely/. Because of that all of this is not in vain.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'm done ;) I was saying that to myself as well as you. I hope it encourages you in some way. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
Your friend always,
Marissa
Hey, I know how hard it is to feel like God's not there. And I've been struggling with that, too. But He is. He is there and He loves you and He will always be by you, holding your hand. He's not gonna let you go. He loves you too much. Chin up, okay?
ReplyDelete