spillthebeans

I never wanted to be the weak one. And yet here I am. Everything has come to a head today. I am fatigued. So, so tired. I'm barely sleeping because I'm itching and anxious. The itching and anxiety are directly connected it seems; when I have anxiety, my skin feels like it's burning from the inside out. And unfortunately, that's pretty much been all the time. People say all the time, "you're so brave. you're so strong. you're so positive." Honestly, I don't feel that way. I have yelled at my mom this week more times than I'd care to count. I've cried and cried and cried and cried. I've yelled at God, I've been so angry. I've punched my mattress a few times because I literally do not know how to handle this. I'm not as positive and great at this as everyone thinks I am. I'm really not. I'm kind of having a breakdown today. It's been two months of a living hell and I want it to stop. But it won't stop. I fe

Once again, I apologize for my absence. The irony here is that I’m not feeling up to managing my blog for those with chronic illness… because I’m too busy struggling with my own chronic illness. The latest update in this saga is a doozy. Yesterday I got hives on my hands. This morning my mom emailed two of my doctors and both of them said to go off of the medication I’ve been on for the past three weeks because they think I’m having an allergic reaction. This medication was supposed to help with my nerve pain, but all it’s done is made things ten times worse. We’re not quite sure if I am indeed allergic to this, but time will tell. Until then, I’m dealing with even more agony than I thought I could withstand. It’s funny. I keep thinking things can’t get worse, and then they do. I keep wishing I could go back to the way I was back before this yeast overgrowth started, when I dealt with only fibro. Yes, it was pain. Yes, I hated it. But it was ten times better than what I’m going through